[ Instead of feeling alone in a group, it's better to be alone in your solitude. ]
Weather: Cloudy, drizzling
Music: "Melodies of Life" ~ Emiko Shiratori, "Jesters of the Moon", "Dark Messenger"

(Quote from Faye Valentine: Cowboy Bebop) I just got done with two math assignments, since I’m sick and all. But it was really long and boring…well, only about an hour’s worth of homework but it was still long and boring. Especially since I knew all my friends were out doing something else…without me again. I don’t mind not being invited, but then again, I do. They do things together all the time and it makes me wonder if they ever really want me around anyway. Even at school, when we’re together I don’t feel like I’m with them. The only thing worse than being alone is being alone with a group of people. I guess that’s why they say that being be yourself in your own solitude is better than being alone in a group. I think I heard that off of Cowboy Bebop or something…probably from Faye. ^_^; But yeah. I know there’s a specific someone in the group who doesn’t like me as much as she use to…I dunno, maybe I’m different or something.

When I woke up this morning, I did feel different. I looked different too, or at least I thought I did. I think it had something to do with my hair, but that’s another story. And people thought I was different. Maybe it was something that changed me the day before, although I don’t recall anything happening. Anyhow…something will come up and make me feel better. I guess I’m just going through a downtime. O_o; I think it was partially the side effects of not going to school yesterday. I was having mental issues…I woke up and I started to wonder where I was. That was totally weird, so I decided that it was a weekend, and I was like…no, you have school today dummy. And, despite the really weird dreams and all…I just couldn’t handle all of the confusion and started feeling sick. So I stood home.

At lunch today…the girl (whose name will not be mentioned since she has links to people’s diaries who have links to my journal… o_O;) who kinda has a thingy for Chris sat with us. She’s one of my friend’s friends. I *really* don’t like her. >< Sorry, I just don’t. She sat there the WHOLE TIME and asked people if they were going to eat all their food. She asked me fifty million times…so I wolfed down my food…and told her yes. And I meant it, I was hungry! Being sick and all, I didn’t eat much. People who do that bother me, why can’t they just buy their own food? I think that they keep their lunch money in the negatives so that they can never eat lunch and people feel sorry for them. I hate people like that, and I don’t like to feel sorry for people…usually. And I don’t like people feeling sorry for me! >< And even if I weren’t going to eat all of my food, I’d never give it to her because of the way she treats Chris. O_o; And by now I’m sure she knows who she is. So nyah. /)_-

[ What to do when I felt lonely... That was the only thing you couldn't teach me. ]
That's a quote from Dagger. I don't have much time really, so this is going to be short, I'm afraid. ^_^ I am a bit lonely however. I stood home sick today... actually I just didn't want to go to school. Some eerie feelings were coming over me. I feel sort of a seperation from my friends...they haven't been including me much in their activities anymore. Now it's just like "What did I do wrong?" I think it's partially because they all joined track and I decided not to. I wanted to. But I didn't. And Chris is still leaving. Can't change that though.

I think I've become a little less upset and a little more mad now. u_u; My friends continue to bug me about going through the "stages of grief" and such. There's this one guy who talks to me everyday and asks me if I'm depressed. It gets really annoying. One time he told me I look like someone who's always looking for a fight. And that I looked really innocent, but I was probably really tough. o o; My friends told me that one time... "You look so innocent on the outside, but once we got to know you, you were tough, you were cold, you're smarter than you look, brave"...all those things. It's weird. Being with my friends now is sometimes weird...

[ Promise me one thing... Please come back. ]
I beat Final Fantasy IX on Sunday. Whew, what an ending. ^_^ I won't spoil anything for you guys...but for those of you who've seen it...that Zidane... ^_^ And, yes, I did cry. So don't rub it in...

It's almost the end of the school year, about three more weeks. Usually that's a good thing, and it still is. I'm glad it's over, and yet I'm not glad. Once the school year is over, so is my time with Chris. He'll be moving away late June...so I'm really going to be sad on the last day. But...yeah. I know he won't come back, like my quote from Dagger as my subject. But maybe he will one day. ^_^

So all I can do is hope. Hope for a good time as the rest of the year passes by and ends eventually. And hope to see him again someday.

So that's all I have to say for now. Just wanted to deliver a little speech. o_o; Laters.

[ Alone for awhile I've been searching through the dark... ]
Weather: Cold and Rainy…and then Cold and Sunny
Music: “Loss of Me” – Final Fantasy IX

Okay…I’m going to write everything down now before my anger subsides. Cuz when you’re actually in the emotion at the time, journal entries are more interesting. Most of you probably won’t talk to me after reading this…but that’s okay cuz chances are I really don’t want to talk to you anyway.

I’ve had a really crappy day, ever since I woke up. People kept saying I woke up on the wrong side of the bed…so that got me pissed off. We didn’t have to dress out for gym, so that was a good thing. But people were just…getting really annoying. That’s not their problem of course, I guess it’s mine.

Second hour was probably what put me in bad mood in the first place. The person sitting in front of Grace wasn’t there so Megan came over and sat there…and out of the honest and ‘goodness’ of my heart, I just have to say…I REALLY don’t like her. There’s a door behind Megan and Grace’s desks, and there’s a mirror on that door. So for like, 15 minutes they fought over where it should be, because they both want to be able to see themselves in the mirror. It was starting to piss me off, because it was like “No! Now I can’t see myself in the mirror!” “Yes you can!” Jesus! Are people these days so full of themselves that they HAVE to look at themselves the whole time? I got really pissed off, and they both looked at me funny. U_u; However, I believe I had a reason to be mad…they were annoying and it was a totally pointless battle because we ended up changing seats around anyway.

Then my teacher decided she would put us in groups… I hate working in groups, especially in French. She put me in a group…with Grace. O_o; I was ready to scream, when Grace made me switch groups so she could be with someone else. Luckily, Kristy was in the group that I switched over to. So...we were alone until one of the people who was suppose to be in our group was sent to the office. Megan was out of the room at the time…feh. So guess whose group she ends up in? Ours, of course… Kristy and I did all the work. You wanna know what she did? She sat there and primped her hair the WHOLE TIME. I was ready to go over there and smack her right in the back of the head… >.<

Anyhow…more bad stuff happened in French again. She finally got off her lazy butt and decided to do some of the work. We were learning some…market terms…so she went around and got some of the items for us. Then she THROWS the freaking bag of beans at us and the bag explodes…and we’ve got all these crappy beans on us. They were EVERYWHERE and that got me SO pissed off. So the teacher said that if she doesn’t get them all picked up by the end of class, she’ll make her stay and she won’t give passes if she’s late to her next class. I don’t know what made me bend over and help her. I picked up a couple of beans cuz I think she asked me to. I don’t know why I listened. So you know what she did while I picked them up…she went over to talk to Grace! >.< I ended up cleaning up her mess…and then when she came back over to help…she started picking up the beans and putting them on MY DESK! >< So I put them all back in the bag FOR HER. I’m lucky that Chris came over and helped me pick up some of the beans, because there were A LOT. But after that, I was just, really REALLY mad at her. I think the teacher knew it to, cuz she just looked at me and felt really bad that I was cleaning up after Megan. I’m sorry I helped her at all.

Of course, all of her friends thought it was funny…especially Grace. She wouldn’t shut the hell up…I wanted to go over to her so badly and just…strangle the crap out of her. >.< It wasn’t funny at all…not if you’re the one picking up after someone.

Then, Ian was listening to Chris’ Linkin Park CD…and Megan took it from him. And she started listening to it…so DUH, Ian asked if he could have it back. And she was like “It’s not yours.” And Chris goes “It’s not yours either…” He didn’t get it back until the end of class. U_u;

If that isn’t enough about French class…then I must be crazy. I don’t even want to go back to school tomorrow. A couple days ago Kristy, Emma, and I said we were going to go shopping together…I’m not a big shopping fan but I need more clothes so yeah, I wanted to go pretty bad. They didn’t have track today, so they started making plans and stuff. And right in front of my FACE they started making plans about going shopping…and it’s fine that they didn’t invite me. But if you’re going to make plans with people, and then you change your plans and decide to do it without them, you shouldn’t do it in their face! So whatever, I’m just going to have to go by myself next time…

I think that they’re going to have some sort of birthday party soon…Kristy wants to do it because there’s going to be a dance. She said, “Chris might be there.” And I just felt so sick because…I don’t want to dance with him, cuz I don’t want him to move and I’ll miss him too much. And I don’t want to go to their stupid party, and I don’t even want to go to the dance! >.< So I’m just going to go bash my head on a wall.

Weather: Cold and Rainy…and then Cold and Sunny
Music: “Loss of Me” – Final Fantasy IX

Okay…I’m going to write everything down now before my anger subsides. Cuz when you’re actually in the emotion at the time, journal entries are more interesting. Most of you probably won’t talk to me after reading this…but that’s okay cuz chances are I really don’t want to talk to you anyway.

I’ve had a really crappy day, ever since I woke up. People kept saying I woke up on the wrong side of the bed…so that got me pissed off. We didn’t have to dress out for gym, so that was a good thing. But people were just…getting really annoying. That’s not their problem of course, I guess it’s mine.

Second hour was probably what put me in bad mood in the first place. The person sitting in front of Grace wasn’t there so Megan came over and sat there…and out of the honest and ‘goodness’ of my heart, I just have to say…I REALLY don’t like her. There’s a door behind Megan and Grace’s desks, and there’s a mirror on that door. So for like, 15 minutes they fought over where it should be, because they both want to be able to see themselves in the mirror. It was starting to piss me off, because it was like “No! Now I can’t see myself in the mirror!” “Yes you can!” Jesus! Are people these days so full of themselves that they HAVE to look at themselves the whole time? I got really pissed off, and they both looked at me funny. U_u; However, I believe I had a reason to be mad…they were annoying and it was a totally pointless battle because we ended up changing seats around anyway.

Then my teacher decided she would put us in groups… I hate working in groups, especially in French. She put me in a group…with Grace. O_o; I was ready to scream, when Grace made me switch groups so she could be with someone else. Luckily, Kristy was in the group that I switched over to. So...we were alone until one of the people who was suppose to be in our group was sent to the office. Megan was out of the room at the time…feh. So guess whose group she ends up in? Ours, of course… Kristy and I did all the work. You wanna know what she did? She sat there and primped her hair the WHOLE TIME. I was ready to go over there and smack her right in the back of the head… >.<

Anyhow…more bad stuff happened in French again. She finally got off her lazy butt and decided to do some of the work. We were learning some…market terms…so she went around and got some of the items for us. Then she THROWS the freaking bag of beans at us and the bag explodes…and we’ve got all these crappy beans on us. They were EVERYWHERE and that got me SO pissed off. So the teacher said that if she doesn’t get them all picked up by the end of class, she’ll make her stay and she won’t give passes if she’s late to her next class. I don’t know what made me bend over and help her. I picked up a couple of beans cuz I think she asked me to. I don’t know why I listened. So you know what she did while I picked them up…she went over to talk to Grace! >.< I ended up cleaning up her mess…and then when she came back over to help…she started picking up the beans and putting them on MY DESK! >< So I put them all back in the bag FOR HER. I’m lucky that Chris came over and helped me pick up some of the beans, because there were A LOT. But after that, I was just, really REALLY mad at her. I think the teacher knew it to, cuz she just looked at me and felt really bad that I was cleaning up after Megan. I’m sorry I helped her at all.

Of course, all of her friends thought it was funny…especially Grace. She wouldn’t shut the hell up…I wanted to go over to her so badly and just…strangle the crap out of her. >.< It wasn’t funny at all…not if you’re the one picking up after someone.

Then, Ian was listening to Chris’ Linkin Park CD…and Megan took it from him. And she started listening to it…so DUH, Ian asked if he could have it back. And she was like “It’s not yours.” And Chris goes “It’s not yours either…” He didn’t get it back until the end of class. U_u;

If that isn’t enough about French class…then I must be crazy. I don’t even want to go back to school tomorrow. A couple days ago Kristy, Emma, and I said we were going to go shopping together…I’m not a big shopping fan but I need more clothes so yeah, I wanted to go pretty bad. They didn’t have track today, so they started making plans and stuff. And right in front of my FACE they started making plans about going shopping…and it’s fine that they didn’t invite me. But if you’re going to make plans with people, and then you change your plans and decide to do it without them, you shouldn’t do it in their face! So whatever, I’m just going to have to go by myself next time…

I think that they’re going to have some sort of birthday party soon…Kristy wants to do it because there’s going to be a dance. She said, “Chris might be there.” And I just felt so sick because…I don’t want to dance with him, cuz I don’t want him to move and I’ll miss him too much. And I don’t want to go to their stupid party, and I don’t even want to go to the dance! >.< So I’m just going to go bash my head on a wall.

[ To the sky beyond the flying birds... ]
Weather: Warm and sunny
Music: "Cruel Angel's Thesis" - NGE

Well! Today was interesting. I felt like going into it earlier because it was so crappy, but I decided to just ramble and see what comes out.

My server is down. My server sucks. I wanted to join a clique and put !!SUBARU SUMERAGI!! but no. o_o; Anyhow... Yen let me borrow the Trigun tape I got her for her birthday (-_-) so I got to see more episodes. Trigun is so spiffy. And I've begun to see why people but Vash x Wolfwood as a yaoi couple. Kyla has a cute VxW fanart on her site... and a cute picture of her characters Relic and Lavaris from Fray. ^_^ That's the first online manga I've been following so far, and kept hooked to it. Maybe it's just cuz I like Kyla's art so much. ^_^

I started to draw Blank and Zidane... yaoi. (Clean yaoi. o_O; You guys always look at me so strange when I say yaoi. I don't look at...bad yaoi. u_u; However, when you look at yaoi at all, you stumble upon those things and...yuck. However, only anime bishies would look good in yaoi, cuz I would probably feel really...weird if it was yaoi of anything else. Anime is different.) OKAY! That was a paragraph of nothing about my picture! >< Anyway, I drew it and it came out strange...so I decided I would do it again. I drew Blank's head at an angle so it's all...messed up. And Zidane's head is big, but I think it's suppose to be because of the SD design that Tetsuya Nomura put into FFIX.

What else have I been doing lately? Not much really... just hanging around. I've been on such a slump with websites lately. I drew a picture of Julia for Misao, who owns "Goodnight Julia" who affiliated with "Today/Tomorrow" which just so happens to be my Spike website! But hushhush cuz I dun want her to know. (Bah, that's why I wrote it down, DUH. u_u) Misao dun have a link to this journal as far as I know, and none of you probably really care anyway.

You know what? I have....5 pictures I need to do CG! One of Diamond (which I'm working on), then one of Antique, which is for Kyla if she dares to use my ugly fanart o_o;, one of Julia for Misao, one of Draco, and one of Kagakusha and Kuusou. Tomorrow is Wednesday though, and since I get off early I should be able to finish Diamond and start something else. Like maybe Antique, since it's been sitting there for a month or so waiting and waiting. Ayah.

I'm also trying to scrap some money so I can get my next Cowboy Bebop DVD. Anyone who feels like donating to my wonderful anime DVD collection can mail money to me...I'd be more than happy to spend it.

So that's all for now. I'm going to go see if my server will cope with me.

[ A voice from the past... ]
Okey dokey...I replaced Auron with Dagger and Blank. Because Dagger kicks a bunch of ass-kickable things. And because Blank and Zidane make a good yaoi couple...or not. Okay okay. Dagger DOES kick a bunch of ass kickable things, and Blank and Zidane DO make a cute yaoi couple...but I really just put them there cuz they're cool. And because I don't know anything about Auron. o_o;

Today sucked a bunch of really sucky things. Basically... I dunno. I was just really pissed off. I'm mad at so many people it's starting to make my teeth hurt. u_u; I haven't even had dinner yet...I'm not hungry. We've been studying a lot about grief in English...I hope I am not 'grieving'. And to make matters worse, I can't figure out even if I still like Chris or not! >< Everything is just whirled together like a bunch of melted crayons and I don't know where to go!

I feel so numb that I can't feel my hunger! But I sure can hear it. o_o; Maybe I should go like...get something to un-numb me. Like a shower. Does that work? Anyway...see, I don't even have anything to say. All my friends have problems, and they're kinda different from me...they tell me their problems. I'm just like "Huh? Nope. Nothing's wrong, just tired." Which is usually half true, so I'm not really lying.

One of my friends is in a love triangle problem. You gotta hate those. o_o; Unfortunately, she's at that one end of the triangle where you're ending up with no one. u_u; There's a guy she likes, who likes a girl, and she thinks the girl might like him. o_o; Which makes it a love triangle--tada!

Speaking of love triangles... what do you think about Aeris-Tifa-Cloud? I've heard from people that they think Aeris and Cloud were just friends...fungah! I don't think so! u_u; I'm partial to the Aeris and Cloud side of the love triangle...so I'm interested in what everyone else thinks. Actually...I kinda like Cloud and Vincent but that's another story. ^____^

This one girl who's name will not be mentioned for the sake of my friends...is still flirting with Chris. o_o; So I guess I still do like him, because I'm still talking about him. But I realized today when I walked into school, that the first thing I didn't think about was him. Usually he was the first thing that came to my mind. Now he's not. So, whatever...

Kristy and I were talking about how she falls in and out of love too easily. o_o; It was actually a really funny conversation, cuz we went from there to 'it doesn't matter if you don't have a boyfriend, they're too much trouble anyway'. ^_^ I told her to enjoy her freedom...she agreed but she still wants a boyfriend. Yeah. I don't think I want one...It'd be weird. Or at least not right now, not while Chris is just going away. -__-0

I've got websites to work on, so I'm going to go bash my head against a wall...then work on them. Yeah. Bai.